...I don't know what is more painful and heart shattering than into this situation!
...It's not about anything or someone, it's just trying to be someone I'm not. Trying to be someone I'm not happy to be. Trying to be the me I used to know when in some time or another I already lost it halfway.
Di ko alam kung ano talaga ang eksaktong dapat sabihin ngayon. Parang bigla na lang naging iba ang ikot nang mundo ko. All of a sudden I'm in an upside down world where in I couldn't do something about it! Biglang naging magulo pero lahat kagagawan ko rin.I was thrown into a very deep, meaningless situation.
A friend once ask me, why I am not being friendly. I already forgot what I have told her. Honestly, I'm not being friendly because I'm afraid of the word "rejection". Rejection in a sense na, natatakot akong makalimutan nang taong itinuring kong kaibigan. If I am to count my friends, hindi hihigit sa 20, ganyan ako ka unfriendly. Natatakot kasi akong magtiwala at magmahal nang isang kaibigan kasi pakiramdam ko bigla na lang akong iiwan o di kaya'y kalilimutan which I already experience countless of time. Such insecurities fill my life. Ewan kung saan nanggagaling ang pagkalalim-lalim na insecurities ko. I'm always afraid to trust other people and at the same time I tend to push other people out of my life every time I felt neglected. Bigla na lang akong nagiging insecure and think that that certain person doesn't treat me as a friend and doesn't love me as a friend. Ang babaw at napaka childish ko to think that way. But everytime I felt it nagiging insecure talaga ako.
...I sometimes misjudge other people simply because I don't want to know them better. Mas madali kasi kung ganun na lang kasi if I am to know the person better kailangan din na ipakita at ipakilala ko kung sino talaga ang totoong ako. Sad to say, no one knows the real me. It's because I never let anyone come near my imaginary boundary. I admit, for so many years I have built an imaginary wall around me wherein I can be the person I want and I can be whoever I am na walang nakakakita at nakakaalam. I never let anyone to have a glimpse of my imaginary boundary because I'm always afraid that if they ever come to know the real me paniguradong lalayuan nila ako. I know I am being insecure again but that is my security blanket for so many years now. Ang pagiging insecure lang ang naging taguan ko sa lahat nang sakit na nararamdaman ko!
...Every situation or circumstances that I am into it is always my insecurities that carried me through...ewan kung bakit naging ganun. Basta pakiramdam ko my dalawang taong nag-aaway sa kailaliman nang pagkatao ko...as if I have an alter!hahaha...multiple personality disorder ba???haha...ang daming tumtakbo sa utak ko at lahat iba ibang direksyon!Ganyan kagulo ang utak ko...hhahaha
...Siguro kaya wala talagang nakakaalam nang talagang ako kasi napaka profound (asus!) at napaka complex nang pagkatao ko...even me, I always get confused with myself...one moment I'm quite and don't want to talk to anyone and then a moment later I could annoy you by being so talkative. Pero usually it's a sign that i'm comfortable with the person or persons around me. Makulit at maingay ako sa mga taong kakilala ko. And I would really know na hindi ako kilala personally nang isang tao if he or she would describe me as "mabait" or "masungit" o di kaya'y "tahimik"...I admit ganyan lahat ako...pero kung talagan kilala mo ako mahihirapan kang mag-isip kung mabait or masungit talaga ako...and no doubt I am talkative to those who really know me. If you are going to ask someone to describe me...I bet on it, mapapaisip talaga ang taong tinanong mo if kilala n'ya talaga ako!hahaha...Simply because that person really knows me kaya napapaisip...my lalim kung baga compare don sa hindi ako kilala nakikita lang yung kung ano ang ipinapakita ko sa kanila...kumbaga ang description is on a surface di tulad nang nakakakilala talaga sa akin na ang description is basing on what they have observed about me, knowingly and unknowingly na napoproject ko every time na magkakasama kami.
...Di ko alam kung bakit napunta sa pagdescribe ko sa sarili ko ang post na to...gusto ko lang talagang magtype nang magtype...ang laki nang problema ko!hahaha...di ko alam kung saan ako magsisimula para ayusin pero at least alam ko na dapat ayusin ko to...at dapat sa sarili ko lang ako umasa kasi kahit anong mangyari it would always be me alone facing everything. Been there, done that kaya alam ko sa sarili ko na maaayos ko din to and I know this time I learned and I know better!
...Alam ko din na marami akong nasaktan especially those person that cares deeply but sorry is not enough and I know I couldn't say sorry when I know I'm bleeding inside. We've been into a cold shoulder treatment...we've been into neglecting each other and I don't know where did everything started but I do hope na matatapos din lahat and eventually the best friend that I never had will be back...
...Nasaktan ko halos lahat nang tao sa paligid ko but I guess I get myself hurt two times fold...haiz!I know everything will be on its rightful places not now but maybe later...or maybe soon! :)
...naiinis ako sa dalawng kaharap ko!hahaha...ang sweet nilang tingnan!hahaha...I'm not envy of this two lovers, its just that naaaliw akong tingnan pero at the same time ang corny!hahaha...Okay I admit ang sweet nila...hahaha and enough of it...I don't have time for it..."for now"!hahaha...And enough of this blogging also...maybe see yah again after a long long time!I'm into a process of finding myself!me ganun lang! :)
...I sometimes misjudge other people simply because I don't want to know them better. Mas madali kasi kung ganun na lang kasi if I am to know the person better kailangan din na ipakita at ipakilala ko kung sino talaga ang totoong ako. Sad to say, no one knows the real me. It's because I never let anyone come near my imaginary boundary. I admit, for so many years I have built an imaginary wall around me wherein I can be the person I want and I can be whoever I am na walang nakakakita at nakakaalam. I never let anyone to have a glimpse of my imaginary boundary because I'm always afraid that if they ever come to know the real me paniguradong lalayuan nila ako. I know I am being insecure again but that is my security blanket for so many years now. Ang pagiging insecure lang ang naging taguan ko sa lahat nang sakit na nararamdaman ko!
...Every situation or circumstances that I am into it is always my insecurities that carried me through...ewan kung bakit naging ganun. Basta pakiramdam ko my dalawang taong nag-aaway sa kailaliman nang pagkatao ko...as if I have an alter!hahaha...multiple personality disorder ba???haha...ang daming tumtakbo sa utak ko at lahat iba ibang direksyon!Ganyan kagulo ang utak ko...hhahaha
...Siguro kaya wala talagang nakakaalam nang talagang ako kasi napaka profound (asus!) at napaka complex nang pagkatao ko...even me, I always get confused with myself...one moment I'm quite and don't want to talk to anyone and then a moment later I could annoy you by being so talkative. Pero usually it's a sign that i'm comfortable with the person or persons around me. Makulit at maingay ako sa mga taong kakilala ko. And I would really know na hindi ako kilala personally nang isang tao if he or she would describe me as "mabait" or "masungit" o di kaya'y "tahimik"...I admit ganyan lahat ako...pero kung talagan kilala mo ako mahihirapan kang mag-isip kung mabait or masungit talaga ako...and no doubt I am talkative to those who really know me. If you are going to ask someone to describe me...I bet on it, mapapaisip talaga ang taong tinanong mo if kilala n'ya talaga ako!hahaha...Simply because that person really knows me kaya napapaisip...my lalim kung baga compare don sa hindi ako kilala nakikita lang yung kung ano ang ipinapakita ko sa kanila...kumbaga ang description is on a surface di tulad nang nakakakilala talaga sa akin na ang description is basing on what they have observed about me, knowingly and unknowingly na napoproject ko every time na magkakasama kami.
...Di ko alam kung bakit napunta sa pagdescribe ko sa sarili ko ang post na to...gusto ko lang talagang magtype nang magtype...ang laki nang problema ko!hahaha...di ko alam kung saan ako magsisimula para ayusin pero at least alam ko na dapat ayusin ko to...at dapat sa sarili ko lang ako umasa kasi kahit anong mangyari it would always be me alone facing everything. Been there, done that kaya alam ko sa sarili ko na maaayos ko din to and I know this time I learned and I know better!
...Alam ko din na marami akong nasaktan especially those person that cares deeply but sorry is not enough and I know I couldn't say sorry when I know I'm bleeding inside. We've been into a cold shoulder treatment...we've been into neglecting each other and I don't know where did everything started but I do hope na matatapos din lahat and eventually the best friend that I never had will be back...
...Nasaktan ko halos lahat nang tao sa paligid ko but I guess I get myself hurt two times fold...haiz!I know everything will be on its rightful places not now but maybe later...or maybe soon! :)
...naiinis ako sa dalawng kaharap ko!hahaha...ang sweet nilang tingnan!hahaha...I'm not envy of this two lovers, its just that naaaliw akong tingnan pero at the same time ang corny!hahaha...Okay I admit ang sweet nila...hahaha and enough of it...I don't have time for it..."for now"!hahaha...And enough of this blogging also...maybe see yah again after a long long time!I'm into a process of finding myself!me ganun lang! :)
